It's About That TImePosted by Kaycee on 18th February 2016, 05:20pm
I signed up for this site back in March 2013. I can't believe how long I've been there, even if I don't make entries often. I suppose that gives me a better view of things have changed over time.
Adrian and I are doing well with our relationship, but I know eight months as a couple isn't particularly long. I'm just happy we've made it this far. I'm still afraid something will screw it up within the coming months, but I hope my fear turns out to be just that: fear. If we make it to our second anniversary, I'll feel safe. So far, we have no problems outside of the regular obstacles we're facing. I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm worried about my friendship with Jen. I didn't even have a chance to see her when my grandfather went down south. She said she wants to see Zootopia when I asked, but I'm honestly doubtful it'll happen. I know it's not her fault, but it feels like she has no time for friends anymore. I guess that's just part of adulthood. She's better at it than me!
I've given up drawing. I'm just not interested in it anymore, nor am I interested in Winx Club, what originally sparked the interest in learning. I wish I could've foreseen that before I bought that 7-year membership on DeviantArt. I guess the bright side is it's there if I change my mind again.
A BoyfriendPosted by Kaycee on 13th October 2015, 01:33pm
Things always seem to change by the next diary entry. That actually worries me.
There's one positive change, however. That friend has become my boyfriend. It's been so wonderful since he came into my life back in January. I feel luckier than I can express to have him. But I always worry something will ruin it. Worse, something beyond my control. I wouldn't give up that easily, but that's how I've lost all of the friends I had in the past. I know it's early to be saying "forever" things, but I really do want to be with him forever. Even if it's not as his girlfriend, I just want him in my life somehow.
Speaking of lives, a former friend is now out of it. We stopped talking to each other and this time, it's permanent. He actually deleted his OKC account, and I think his Skype one too. I don't know why, but it's none of my business. Nothing was happening between us anyway. Easiest "break-up" I ever had, however.
I want to find a job to have my own money, but I also don't because, as I'm learning from my best friend, having a job seems to be more trouble than it's worth. I know work isn't supposed to be fun and I don't expect it to be, but my friend barely has enough time left to breathe. I don't want to be financially dependent forever though, especially if I end up moving in with my boyfriend someday, so I will keep looking. I just hope I'll survive.
A FriendPosted by Kaycee on 8th May 2015, 05:31pm
Almost a year ago was when I last visited here. Not much has changed since then.
The best thing that's happened this year is a particular friend I've made. He's really one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's almost been half a year since I've known him and we've met up three times. The cynical part of me says this is not going to last outside 2015, but I really want to believe it will.
Ines deleted her Tumblr, so I can't talk to her anymore. I hope she's doing well with whatever she's up to.
Sometimes, I know something will not last long, yet I always feel upset when I turn out to be right. It seems like I have to lose everyone who means something to me. I know friendship can't be anything like it is in cartoons, but it'd be nice to have one friendship that can last for a lifetime.
I sound more like I want romance than friendship, but I don't. I just want to have someone in my life who stays there and who I genuinely feel happy to have.
School TroublesPosted by Kaycee on 19th August 2014, 05:06am
I can't believe how long ago from last entry was. How things have changed!
I'm thinking about volunteering for a while and later, going back to school for art and animation, or graphic/web design. Neither may be lucrative, but IT is not working for me. I'm just not good at it, nor do I have the patience for it. Especially not after what I've been through with Jason. He has driven me nuts.
No matter how much or how many times I ask for advice, it seems It all boils down to me having to decide for myself and just go down the path that feels best. I'm not worrying about that debt for now. I couldn't care less. Volunteer and work first.
I'll figure it all out. No idea when or how, but I will.
Countdown to iPad AND Adam!Posted by Kaycee on 3rd February 2014, 12:07pm
The countdown to getting my iPad has begun! I cannot wait! I keep thinking about it! And the premium membership on DA, and remaining worlds for Sims 3, of course! I am so excited! Hurry up, March!
I found some pretty, floral, one-shoulder shirts on eBay. I hope they're still available for spring, but if not I'll find some others. I want to wear either one of the shirts or the floral skirt when I meet Adam. If I don't have any of them, I'll wear either my favorite floral tunic and the jeans, or my sparkly star shirt. I want to have a pair of small heels to meet him in too.
Hmm...If I wear the sparkly shirt, my sparkly hair clips would match, and it's a good excuse to wear them. I just might go with sparkly. I think I'll look for some more glittery shirts. I just want to look a little special for him. He's not obsessed with my appearance, so I don't mind dolling up a little for him.
No BetterPosted by Kaycee on 17th January 2014, 03:06pm
I think it's official. I'm not made for school. I'm just not. Why, I have no idea, but I am not. There's a pretty high chance I'm going to flunk out of college, and if I do, I don't care because I shouldn't have gone in the first place. Besides, I got a new laptop, a new Android smartphone, a Nintendo 3DS, and Pokťmon X and Y, and when I get paid again, I'll be getting an iPad Air, a 7-year premium membership, and the last two worlds for Sims 3. I am set. I don't care who judges me for spending $500 on that device. I'll do what I want with my money. I just have to push to April. I've made it this far. May as well keep going to get something that special.
It's not like college is going anywhere anyway. I can go back. I've learned by now that I'm a habitually late blossom. I bloom after everyone else. You know what? Sometimes, the last flower is the prettiest of all. So screw it! I'm almost twenty! I have my entire life to work like a dog! I'm going to have fun!
Yeah, I'm average and that's all I'll ever be, but who cares? If I'm happy at the end of my life - and I'm certain I will be - that'll mean I've lived well. And if I'm not, I can be happy that my life is finally ending.
Why is it taking me so long to learn that I don't have to please every single person in my life? In fact, I don't have to please anyone in my life besides myself. Being a people-pleaser is part of why I'm screwed up as much as I am. I can't do this my entire life.
Reality is never in sync will imagination unless it's imagining the worst, which always happens. If I can't kill myself, I may as well enjoy my life while I have it. No one else is living it for me.
The next time someone tells me I may not make it somewhere, I'll ignore them and not let them break my spirit. That's the one thing I regret. Letting those five words blow out my silent fire. If I hear that again, I will shut my ears and go on with my life. If that person turns out to be right and I don't make it, whatever. It's not the end of the world. The globe will keep spinning.
She's Getting Cut OffPosted by Kaycee on 23rd September 2013, 07:38am
My mother is a prime example of someone who shouldn't have been a parent. My elementary school third cousin has more maturity than her. She doesn't care about me, my education, or anything else relating to me. I don't even know why she had me. That was the biggest mistake of her life. I wish I had died from SIDS as an infant. Or she had miscarried. Whatever would've prevented me from knowing this life.
It'll be okay. I have people who do care about me. In fact, I'm going to see one tomorrow. And I will eventually cut my mother off entirely. That's the only thing I can do for my own sake and health.
I think it's best I don't get married because I can't risk dealing with this all over again. At this point, I'm leaning toward not even dating. Maybe friends are all I need. Or maybe I'm all I need. Maybe I just need myself.
One of Those DaysPosted by Kaycee on 28th May 2013, 02:53pm
No matter how good of a day Iíve had, at the end of the day, I always find myself wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.
I have no intention of doing it, but I think about dying and ending my life a lot. My energy is zapped. It feels like just getting out from under my bed covers is difficult.
Right now, my stomach is growling because Iím hungry, yet I donít know if I even want to eat.
I wish I had someone next to me who I could talk to and tell everything and they would just say everythingís okay, even though itís not. But thatís what the fiction in my imagination is for.
The characters I make up in my head have better lives and look more beautiful than I ever could. Tall, thin, and very long hair. They have tragic pasts, but happy endings and are surrounded by endlessly loyal friends. At the least, they have one person whoís always there. Why canít I live in my imagination?
I have a feeling no matter how old get, I am always going to feel like this. Because life is hard and it sucks. It really isnít worth living. Iíd prefer never having been born, but too late for that now, obviously.
I guess I just want some attention and no drama. I really just wish I could drop dead. Times like these are the only time I wish I was small again so someone could pick me up and hold me and carry me.
Why the heck am I even typing this? Itís pointless. Even I donít understand half the things I do. *sigh*
Please just let me go to sleep, stop breathing and be incapable of reviving. Thatís all I want.
Two More MonthsPosted by Kaycee on 6th May 2013, 10:06pm
These last two months are going to be a nightmare. My grandfather is an insufferable person. I really don't like him. I'm trying to make things easy for me, but I just don't like being there with him. He still hasn't accepted that I'm leaving. Why would on Earth would I want to stay around someone who does not recognize me as an adult? I don't know how long he expected me to stay, but I never had any intention of staying there for longer than high school.
He thinks he knows everything, but he really knows nothing. I don't know everything either, of course, but I do know what I intend to do and, frankly, it's none of his business. I still don't understand why I told him to begin with, but whatever. He doesn't have any say. That's his biggest problem. His problems are not my problems. I have my own nonsense to deal with. If he wants to live in denial, fine by me, but I'm not being a pawn.
I just have to try to get through these final months. And pass my history class and the final exam. I'm going to burn my uniforms after school ends. I don't need them anymore and I hate them. Gotta ask Mom for a matchbox.
I think I'll stay celibate...Posted by Kaycee on 27th April 2013, 01:09pm
For the rest of my life.
I am not kidding. I'm too paranoid about becoming pregnant. I've told myself I'll use every kind of birth control and contraceptive that I can, even after I get myself sterilized, but there's still a chance of that failing and me becoming pregnant and that terrifies me. And with people trying to have abortion banned, I'm pretty much screwed if that happens.
What sparked this is abortion being banned in North Dakota. Kansas and Mississippi are trying to follow. While I may not live in those states, chances are that ban will spread and eventually reach New Jersey.
On a Facebook page, I joked about moving to either Canada or the United Kingdom, but now, I'm thinking seriously about it. I am not having sex in this country. It's not just abortion. There are people against contraception too and trying to ban or restrict that. No. Just no.
Apparently, the United States is the only major English-speaking country this is happening to. I wonder why that is. Regardless, if I can't move out of the US, I'm staying away from sex altogether. I actually feel like I'll overdose on birth control pills to ensure I don't become pregnant. Of course, overdose will make me sick, but I'd rather overdose than be pregnant. Yes, I'm that paranoid.
I don't think everyone should do what I'm doing. This is just me. I'm terrified out of my mind. But I know there are other people who aren't so scared and I have to admit I wish I wasn't. Sex is something I really want to experience and it makes me sad I probably never will, but that's better than risking failure and becoming pregnant without the option to abort.
I guess I've also made up my mind about whether I want to get married or not. The answer is no. In fact, I doubt I'll ever have any relationship now, but that's also okay. I can live with it.
With those decisions made, the only thing I could get pregnant from is rape. Hopefully, that does not happen, but if it does, I'm killing myself without question if I become pregnant from it and I'm still in the US. I am not having anyone's child, but especially not a rapist's! *shudder*