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So Tired
Posted by Dija on 12th April 2018, 06:31am

I am tired of my job. I am tired of my life!

I've had no luck finding a new job nearby or near my school. I am doing my best to avoid Erick like a plague, and I'm not working enough to get paid much anyway. I'm all too anxious to return to school, especially if it means I don't have to deal with Erick and retail anymore. I started playing with DuoLingo and FreeCodeCamp again to keep myself busy, but I'm bored out of my mind.

If this schooling really works, the first thing I'm getting when I get everything in order is a car. I wish Adrian and I lived closer. I am feeling lonelier without him than I used to. There's just not enough time with.

I hate debt. I have three credit cards and I am getting no more! A $2,000 credit limit is good for medical expenses, but between my regular two, I have a $700 limit and I don't need that! Of course, I do love that my credit score is better. I'm looking forward to it going up again after I pay off my eyeglasses. On the downside, that still means I have to hold out with Burlington and that is slowly killing me inside. I've already decided I'm calling out on Friday. It's not worth it and I only have 13 hours anyway. I'm not missing anything.

I swear there'd better be light at the end of this hellish tunnel.


Posted by Dija on 12th August 2017, 01:55am

So many things to say. I've had more happen in a few months than in a few years. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I've been at my job for nine months. I'm not so over the moon with it anymore. Being a cashier is soul-sucking, and I'm not sure everything that happens "behind the scenes" makes me feel certain either. But I'm not going to quit. I'd rather have a job than not. That said, being on the floor, especially with the amount of responsibilities Yubi listed off, intimidates me. Granted, so did being a cashier. Monica says I'd get used to it. I hope she's right.

I can't believe Adrian and I have been together this long. I know two years isn't a long time in general for relationships, but it's the longest I've had. January 2018 will make it three years since we met and 2 1/2 as a couple. But, as much as I don't want to be impatient, I do hope he gets lucky in his job prospects soon. We can't have any future with only one of us working. I wouldn't dump him, though. I'm happier with him than my exes who did have jobs. Job isn't what makes a good person.

My Paypal Credit balance will be paid off by tomorrow, and my Capital One credit card will hopefully come next week or the following one. I always said I'd stay away from credit cards, but having a bad credit score is killing me. I don't care about the school debt. The greedy f**kers will get my money when I feel like handing it over. And if that's never, I don't care. Two out of the four classes I had to take were useless. No wonder people only go to community college to save money. Granted, regular college forces you to take useless classes too.

My hard drive only has one HDMI port, so I can't connect my PC and tablet at the same time unless I get a different kind of cord. That's fine, though. I don't need to use two monitors at once. My laptop was one machine and only had one HDMI port too. Having a desktop is totally worth it, and I am finally slowly building my savings account back up. I could've kept the scheduled $150 transfer. Skipping those few weeks wasn't necessary. I still sometimes transfer from my savings, but it's only a small amount to be sure I'll make it to Friday. I replace it as soon as I get paid, along with the scheduled amount.

It's so hard to have so much money and not spend it, especially when I have things I really do need, but overspending is what got me in hot water in the first place. I'm lucky I got all those layaways paid off and I am not making even one more until I get this last one. Same with my Paypal credit. Until that balance says zero, I'm not spending even a dollar more unless I need a Lyft ride. I was lucky to get a free ride a few days ago. And since I lasted this long, I know I can do it. I just need restraint and to think about the money I'm saving.


So Many Changes
Posted by Dija on 16th March 2017, 02:55pm

In 2015, I found a boyfriend. In 2016, I found a job!

It didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped at first, but in the end, I was hired for a seasonal position and I did well enough to stay on the team afterwards. So far, I've been working for them for only 4 1/2 months, but I'm really happy to be with them. Everyone is kind and nothing short of helpful to me. It's done a lot for my own confidence too. I don't have an ego, but I don't feel as down about myself as I used to since I now know I can hold a job.

My life is slowly getting together. I need to improve my spending habits and start studying for my driver's license. I'm really not looking forward to that because I hate studying, but the longer I go without it, the more I'll wish I had it.

I still don't see Jennifer often, but we are still friends and that's what matters most. Things between Adrian and I are also great, in spite of some bumps. I guess nothing is perfect. If nothing else, we've learned taking out our anger on each other is a bad idea! Well, anger is known for clouding judgement.

I know improvement isn't a perfect straight line, but I hope things keep getting better. Maybe my license can be the surprise of 2017, but I know I have to make that happen. Just wanting it won't get it for me.


It's About That Time
Posted by Dija on 18th February 2016, 05:20pm

I signed up for this site back in March 2013. I can't believe how long it's been I've been here, even if I don't make entries often. I suppose that gives me a better view of how things have changed over time.

Adrian and I are doing well with our relationship, but I know eight months as a couple isn't particularly long. I'm just happy we've made it this far. I'm still afraid something will screw it up within the coming months, but I hope my fear turns out to be just that: fear. If we make it to our second anniversary, I'll feel safe. So far, we have no problems outside of the regular obstacles we're facing. I'd like to keep it that way.

I'm worried about my friendship with Jen. I didn't even have a chance to see her when my grandfather went down south. She said she wants to see Zootopia when I asked, but I'm honestly doubtful it'll happen. I know it's not her fault, but it feels like she has no time for friends anymore. I guess that's just part of adulthood. She's better at it than me!

I've given up drawing. I'm just not interested in it anymore, nor am I interested in Winx Club, what originally sparked the interest in learning. I wish I could've foreseen that before I bought that 7-year membership on DeviantArt. I guess the bright side is it's there if I change my mind again.


A Boyfriend
Posted by Dija on 13th October 2015, 01:33pm

Things always seem to change by the next diary entry. That actually worries me.

There's one positive change, however. That friend has become my boyfriend. It's been so wonderful since he came into my life back in January. I feel luckier than I can express to have him. But I always worry something will ruin it. Worse, something beyond my control. I wouldn't give up that easily, but that's how I've lost all of the friends I had in the past. I know it's early to be saying "forever" things, but I really do want to be with him forever. Even if it's not as his girlfriend, I just want him in my life somehow.

Speaking of lives, a former friend is now out of it. We stopped talking to each other and this time, it's permanent. He actually deleted his OKC account, and I think his Skype one too. I don't know why, but it's none of my business. Nothing was happening between us anyway. Easiest "break-up" I ever had, however.

I want to find a job to have my own money, but I also don't because, as I'm learning from my best friend, having a job seems to be more trouble than it's worth. I know work isn't supposed to be fun and I don't expect it to be, but my friend barely has enough time left to breathe. I don't want to be financially dependent forever though, especially if I end up moving in with my boyfriend someday, so I will keep looking. I just hope I'll survive.


A Friend
Posted by Dija on 8th May 2015, 05:31pm

Almost a year ago was when I last visited here. Not much has changed since then.

The best thing that's happened this year is a particular friend I've made. He's really one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's almost been half a year since I've known him and we've met up three times. The cynical part of me says this is not going to last outside 2015, but I really want to believe it will.

Ines deleted her Tumblr, so I can't talk to her anymore. I hope she's doing well with whatever she's up to.

Sometimes, I know something will not last long, yet I always feel upset when I turn out to be right. It seems like I have to lose everyone who means something to me. I know friendship can't be anything like it is in cartoons, but it'd be nice to have one friendship that can last for a lifetime.

I sound more like I want romance than friendship, but I don't. I just want to have someone in my life who stays there and who I genuinely feel happy to have.


School Troubles
Posted by Dija on 19th August 2014, 05:06am

I can't believe how long ago from last entry was. How things have changed!

I'm thinking about volunteering for a while and later, going back to school for art and animation, or graphic/web design. Neither may be lucrative, but IT is not working for me. I'm just not good at it, nor do I have the patience for it. Especially not after what I've been through with Jason. He has driven me nuts.

No matter how much or how many times I ask for advice, it seems It all boils down to me having to decide for myself and just go down the path that feels best. I'm not worrying about that debt for now. I couldn't care less. Volunteer and work first.

I'll figure it all out. No idea when or how, but I will.


Countdown to iPad AND Adam!
Posted by Dija on 3rd February 2014, 12:07pm

The countdown to getting my iPad has begun! I cannot wait! I keep thinking about it! And the premium membership on DA, and remaining worlds for Sims 3, of course! I am so excited! Hurry up, March!

I found some pretty, floral, one-shoulder shirts on eBay. I hope they're still available for spring, but if not I'll find some others. I want to wear either one of the shirts or the floral skirt when I meet Adam. If I don't have any of them, I'll wear either my favorite floral tunic and the jeans, or my sparkly star shirt. I want to have a pair of small heels to meet him in too.

Hmm...If I wear the sparkly shirt, my sparkly hair clips would match, and it's a good excuse to wear them. I just might go with sparkly. I think I'll look for some more glittery shirts. I just want to look a little special for him. He's not obsessed with my appearance, so I don't mind dolling up a little for him.


No Better
Posted by Dija on 17th January 2014, 03:06pm

I think it's official. I'm not made for school. I'm just not. Why, I have no idea, but I am not. There's a pretty high chance I'm going to flunk out of college, and if I do, I don't care because I shouldn't have gone in the first place. Besides, I got a new laptop, a new Android smartphone, a Nintendo 3DS, and Pokémon X and Y, and when I get paid again, I'll be getting an iPad Air, a 7-year premium membership, and the last two worlds for Sims 3. I am set. I don't care who judges me for spending $500 on that device. I'll do what I want with my money. I just have to push to April. I've made it this far. May as well keep going to get something that special.

It's not like college is going anywhere anyway. I can go back. I've learned by now that I'm a habitually late blossom. I bloom after everyone else. You know what? Sometimes, the last flower is the prettiest of all. So screw it! I'm almost twenty! I have my entire life to work like a dog! I'm going to have fun!

Yeah, I'm average and that's all I'll ever be, but who cares? If I'm happy at the end of my life - and I'm certain I will be - that'll mean I've lived well. And if I'm not, I can be happy that my life is finally ending.

Why is it taking me so long to learn that I don't have to please every single person in my life? In fact, I don't have to please anyone in my life besides myself. Being a people-pleaser is part of why I'm screwed up as much as I am. I can't do this my entire life.

Reality is never in sync will imagination unless it's imagining the worst, which always happens. If I can't kill myself, I may as well enjoy my life while I have it. No one else is living it for me.

The next time someone tells me I may not make it somewhere, I'll ignore them and not let them break my spirit. That's the one thing I regret. Letting those five words blow out my silent fire. If I hear that again, I will shut my ears and go on with my life. If that person turns out to be right and I don't make it, whatever. It's not the end of the world. The globe will keep spinning.


She's Getting Cut Off
Posted by Dija on 23rd September 2013, 07:38am

My mother is a prime example of someone who shouldn't have been a parent. My elementary school third cousin has more maturity than her. She doesn't care about me, my education, or anything else relating to me. I don't even know why she had me. That was the biggest mistake of her life. I wish I had died from SIDS as an infant. Or she had miscarried. Whatever would've prevented me from knowing this life.

It'll be okay. I have people who do care about me. In fact, I'm going to see one tomorrow. And I will eventually cut my mother off entirely. That's the only thing I can do for my own sake and health.

I think it's best I don't get married because I can't risk dealing with this all over again. At this point, I'm leaning toward not even dating. Maybe friends are all I need. Or maybe I'm all I need. Maybe I just need myself.