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One of Those Days
Posted by Kaycee on 28th May 2013, 02:53pm

No matter how good of a day Iíve had, at the end of the day, I always find myself wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I have no intention of doing it, but I think about dying and ending my life a lot. My energy is zapped. It feels like just getting out from under my bed covers is difficult.

Right now, my stomach is growling because Iím hungry, yet I donít know if I even want to eat.

I wish I had someone next to me who I could talk to and tell everything and they would just say everythingís okay, even though itís not. But thatís what the fiction in my imagination is for.

The characters I make up in my head have better lives and look more beautiful than I ever could. Tall, thin, and very long hair. They have tragic pasts, but happy endings and are surrounded by endlessly loyal friends. At the least, they have one person whoís always there. Why canít I live in my imagination?

I have a feeling no matter how old get, I am always going to feel like this. Because life is hard and it sucks. It really isnít worth living. Iíd prefer never having been born, but too late for that now, obviously.

I guess I just want some attention and no drama. I really just wish I could drop dead. Times like these are the only time I wish I was small again so someone could pick me up and hold me and carry me.

Why the heck am I even typing this? Itís pointless. Even I donít understand half the things I do. *sigh*

Please just let me go to sleep, stop breathing and be incapable of reviving. Thatís all I want.

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Two More Months
Posted by Kaycee on 6th May 2013, 10:06pm

These last two months are going to be a nightmare. My grandfather is an insufferable person. I really don't like him. I'm trying to make things easy for me, but I just don't like being there with him. He still hasn't accepted that I'm leaving. Why would on Earth would I want to stay around someone who does not recognize me as an adult? I don't know how long he expected me to stay, but I never had any intention of staying there for longer than high school.

He thinks he knows everything, but he really knows nothing. I don't know everything either, of course, but I do know what I intend to do and, frankly, it's none of his business. I still don't understand why I told him to begin with, but whatever. He doesn't have any say. That's his biggest problem. His problems are not my problems. I have my own nonsense to deal with. If he wants to live in denial, fine by me, but I'm not being a pawn.

I just have to try to get through these final months. And pass my history class and the final exam. I'm going to burn my uniforms after school ends. I don't need them anymore and I hate them. Gotta ask Mom for a matchbox.

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I think I'll stay celibate...
Posted by Kaycee on 27th April 2013, 01:09pm

For the rest of my life.

I am not kidding. I'm too paranoid about becoming pregnant. I've told myself I'll use every kind of birth control and contraceptive that I can, even after I get myself sterilized, but there's still a chance of that failing and me becoming pregnant and that terrifies me. And with people trying to have abortion banned, I'm pretty much screwed if that happens.

What sparked this is abortion being banned in North Dakota. Kansas and Mississippi are trying to follow. While I may not live in those states, chances are that ban will spread and eventually reach New Jersey.

On a Facebook page, I joked about moving to either Canada or the United Kingdom, but now, I'm thinking seriously about it. I am not having sex in this country. It's not just abortion. There are people against contraception too and trying to ban or restrict that. No. Just no.

Apparently, the United States is the only major English-speaking country this is happening to. I wonder why that is. Regardless, if I can't move out of the US, I'm staying away from sex altogether. I actually feel like I'll overdose on birth control pills to ensure I don't become pregnant. Of course, overdose will make me sick, but I'd rather overdose than be pregnant. Yes, I'm that paranoid.

I don't think everyone should do what I'm doing. This is just me. I'm terrified out of my mind. But I know there are other people who aren't so scared and I have to admit I wish I wasn't. Sex is something I really want to experience and it makes me sad I probably never will, but that's better than risking failure and becoming pregnant without the option to abort.

I guess I've also made up my mind about whether I want to get married or not. The answer is no. In fact, I doubt I'll ever have any relationship now, but that's also okay. I can live with it.

With those decisions made, the only thing I could get pregnant from is rape. Hopefully, that does not happen, but if it does, I'm killing myself without question if I become pregnant from it and I'm still in the US. I am not having anyone's child, but especially not a rapist's! *shudder*

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No Assembly for Me!
Posted by Kaycee on 25th April 2013, 09:53pm

We have some stupid assembly about baseball today after seventh period. I am NOT going! When the bell rings for eighth period, I'm going to go to class for attendance and then going home. I am not sitting around for some silly assembly about the history of baseball. I hate baseball! Other sports too!

Speaking of history, I need at least a B for this last marking period and the final or I will fail that class. Who's the idiot who made history apart of the curriculum anyway? All I've learned is that most people were idiots back then like they are now. Why do I need to know this?

Anyway, if I don't pass that class, I'm taking my life. Five years of high school is more than enough. I am NOT having a sixth year and I will slice my own arm off before I have to attend summer school. I don't know how I'll kill myself, but I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll take a hint from my pen pal and take a route similar to the one she planned to take.

I suck at history. I don't know what my teacher cannot understand about that. No matter how much attention I pay in class, I suck and I always will suck. Maybe I should kill myself even if I do pass. I'm trying not to think about that, but it's getting hard. The only thing that really prevents it is weakness. I'm too scared to intentionally do something that I know will kill me. I can't even cut!

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Single for Life
Posted by Kaycee on 4th March 2013, 09:10am

I honestly believe I will be single for the rest of my life.

I've never had any romantic interest in anyone and no one's had any romantic interest in me. I'm way too shy to even think about asking someone out and I know I'd get turned down anyway. I'm not super-pretty, I have no talents, I'm struggling in school, I feel depressed. Who the freak would want to put up with me? I don't want to put up with me.

Being single for life wouldn't be a bad thing. I'll never have to deal with heartbreak, argue over decisions, have someone question me all the time, have someone approve everything I do, risk being in an abusive relationship, etc. But it still makes me sad because it would mean I'll never experience it and that is something I want to experience. No first kiss, no first date, no first time having sex. Well, maybe that last one isn't so important because I would never be comfortable with anyone getting that close to me to begin with, but yeah.

It's a great thing, but it's depressing at the same time. I guess everything has an upside and a downside. It's just not always easy to stay on the upside.

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