im gonna tell you how my evening went. my hubby says to my kids, ages 3 and 4, 'maybe your mommy will be nice to me tonight'. WHAT!? i was so madddd. I said to him' for one, you dont need to say stuff like that to the kids. and for two, you make me feel like i have to put out whether i want to or not(which is how it is anyway). he said 'no, you dont have to unless you want to'. i said i will dread bedtime now. he knew i was really upset. I get so sick of it. Soooo, bedtime comes. He lays there about 5 minutes. i felt like something was about to happen. He leans over to me and says, so you gonna give me some? i said 'i thought you werent gonna make me'. he said 'im not making you'. i said 'well you are, because if i say no, you will be mad and yell at me and make me sorry for not giving you some.' he didnt say anything, he just got undressed and waited for me to undress. i did and i just layed there and cried and when he was done, i showered in hot hot hot water. i went back to bed and he was snoring. I HATE HIM!! i dont wish anyone dead, but since he is having trouble with his heart, i wouldnt cry if he had a heartattack and died. I would feel relief. then today comes, and this jeep he bought that was supposed to be a great deal is nothing but a curse. He has put about 500 in it so far and he worked on it the other day and he put a pinhole in the radiator. So, yep, you guessed it, he is out buying a new radiator that costs 129. He is wiping out the little we saved from income tax for emergencies on this junk jeep when the car he had was just fine. my frustration grows more and more every day. I feel some days like i am going to have a nervous breakdown. He is turning me into a bitter person. Making me bitter toward men in general( sorry jaims...lol...dont mean to be this way but ive been burned so many times, i give up) I would rather have men for friends rather than lovers. Men make great friends. I have had many friends that were men when i was working. they are easy to get along with (as long as not in a relationship). the women are harder to be friends with. I dont know why that is. I get along much better with guys than girls. but anyway, i got way off track there...lol. whole point. i hate my husband and i want to be single!!! and as always...sux to be me.

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ok, im back to finish my entry. i would have waited to add the other but i was afraid the kids might mess with it and delete it while i was taking care of the baby. The baby is sleeping now. And the kids are eating fruit gushers and watching blues clues so i might have a few minutes to write a little more. My mind goes 90 miles an hr sometimes. i think about all the things in my past and how i could have done better. I wonder what i was thinking. I think i did ok with my oldest son. He is great. But i could have done better i think. I think about my younger kids, zac and kay. I try to imagine what they will be like and if i will do a good enough job with them to make them want to be around me when they grow up. Or will they meet someone like tony and not want anything to do with me. I pray that kay finds a great guy that will treat her right. I know she is only 4 but i worry about it already. I hope to God that she doesnt get a man like her dad. the thought of her having to go thru even half of what i do breaks my heart. I know i need to quit dwelling on the past and stop trying to look into the future so much but its hard. I am home all day every day with kids and i rarely have adult conversation, so i think alot. This diary has been a good outlet for me i think. Well, i am getting one of my headaches so i better go for now.

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just writing about what is going on in my mind today. i am wondering what tony is up to. If he is eating well. If he is still drinking and smoking. Thinking i wish i had been a better mother to him. I tried to be a good mom. But when he was younger, i knew he needed councilling but i thought he would outgrow it and i could help him thru anything. Boy was i wrong. I imagine what Jassy might look like now. She is 17 months old now. I wonder if she has much hair. Last i saw her in December, she had hardly any. She was just starting to walk. I wonder what size clothes she is wearing now or if she is talking much. I think about my stepson, cody. I hate to admit it, since he made my life hell when he lived with us, but i kinda miss him a little. I would never tell my husband that because he would want to start bringing him here again and i cant deal with that or his ex. I wonder about my choices i make in life and how stupid some of them, most of them, are. When i was making the choices they seemed right, but hindsight is better than foresight, as they say, or hindsight is 20/20. You know the old cliches. But i realize my mistakes, but its now too late to fix them. I ponder way too much on my past, i know this. But i cant help it. I have to add this entry so i can take care of the baby for a few but i have more to say so will add another entry soon.

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i was so tired by the time i went to bed last night that i went to sleep right away. i was sleeping great. I hadnt gotten much sleep lately. Hubby knew that too. So to my surprise, i was woke up by him with his demand that he wanted 'some'. So i had to take care of that. I barely remember it. I was half asleep. It almost feels like a dream today, although i know it wasnt because of the evidence left behind. I am so tired of it. I wish he would stop. I wish God would stop him. It makes me feel dirty when he does that to me. It makes me not want to be with him in that way. How can i have romantic feelings for someone that does that sort of thing to me? I usually shower after in the hottest water i can bear til my skin burns to wash his filth off of me but last night i was so tired, i fell right back to sleep. God help me!!!

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curt went for his checkup yesterday and his bloodwork showed something wrong with his heart. The same thing just happened to his dad. The dr did an EKG and it showed an abnormality. So he goes for a stress test later this week. he also has to have his ears tested and will probably have to have hearing aids. He is bummed. He turned 42 yesterday. He is a mess. I kinda felt bad for him but kinda not since he is never there for me when im going thru hard stuff. we had our 5th anniversary yesterday too. We didnt do anything for it. We never do. It was just a regular day for me. I did take my parents to the cemetary to visit my sisters grave. Then took them for icecream. its the first time i have been able to get my mom to leave her house. She hasnt been out since november. So it was good for her. I then went over last night and cut her hair and washed it and put it up on rollers for her. When curt got home from work, we went and picked up goats milk for my grandson. He is allergic to formulas. So i had a busy day i guess. but with all these kids, everyday is busy for me...lol.

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well, we started what they call a foundations class at church this morning. its to get to know the people better and to learn more about the church so we can decide if we want to become members or become more involved with it. I think its going to be a good thing. I think it will help strengthen my faith. My faith has been faltering alot lately. I have my up days and my down like everyone does. Its just that when im having the ups and downs, as a christian, i question my faith, where as when i wasnt a christian i just chalked it up to bad luck and went on. Anyway, this class is an hr long and its for 12 weeks. Its the hour before church starts. I hope to get alot out of it. I want to someday be involved in church again. I used to teach sunday school to the young kids around 7 or 8 or so. It was fun. I also used to organize activities for kids 10 and under at a different church. We would go to parks, go out to eat at McDonalds, have cookouts, etc. We had alot of fun. My desire now is to teach drama to the young adults, like 12 and up. I have alot of good dramas i can teach. Funny thing is, i am too shy to do any drama or even speak in front of people but i can teach it with no problem. I hope to get to do that someday. Alot of people dont like to hear about religion so i will stop here on that subject.

My husband is kind of grouchy today, as he is most days. I told him today that he is only grouchy on days that end in 'y'. lol. He didnt laugh, but of course, thats because he is grouchy..lol. As a christian you are not supposed to hate. But he has put me through so much hell that i do hate him. I wish i had never met him. My life was so perfect when i was single. It was so easy. I didnt have to answer to anyone. I didnt have to say, hey im going to the store or anything. i just went . i spent what i wanted and didnt have to account for it. I loved being alone. Sure there were times i wish someone was there, but i would just get my mind off of it and think of other things. If i ever have the opportunity to be single again, im staying that way. Even being married, i have days when i get so lonely. Oh and get this...yesterday, we were supposed to take the kids to cosi early in the morning. Well, his dad was in hospital, so he went there in the morning and then to cosi in the afternoon. But here is the thing. he had a text the other day from his brother and he was driving and he knows i dont like him to text and drive with me and the kids in the car, so he handed me his phone to read it to him. It said, did u get the speakers? i ask him, what speakers? he said, oh im buying some off of craigslist. So today i said, arent you supposed to get some speakers? and he said, i already got them and his face turned red. I said, when? he said yesterday. I said i thought you went to the hospital to see your dad? he said i did, the guy brought the speakers there to me. WHAT?? he is a jerk. i said to him oh ok so why is it a big secret. he said its not. i said well you seemed to try to hide it from me. he didnt say anything else so i dropped it. but im mad that he was supposed to be at the hospital to see his dad and he was out buying speakers while i was at home waiting for him so we could take the kids to cosi. he is so selfish. I dont know. Maybe im over reacting, but i doubt it because he does this stuff to me all the time and if he is buying things and hiding it from me, what else is he hiding from me?

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i guess things have been pretty much the same around here. We are taking the kids to cosi today. they love going there. we were going to go early, because dora the explorer is there today but only til noon and we got a call last night that my husbands dad is in the hospital. they think its his heart. so he went to see him and when he gets back, we will leave for cosi. i dont tell the kids when we go there if someone special will be there in case we dont get to go or get there too late like today. that way they dont get disappointed. they have so much fun there in the huge playroom. We have a family pass, so we go alot. tony hasnt been bugging me anymore since i blocked his phone number, so that part has been pretty peaceful. Kay was sick this past week. she had a fever for 2 days. She is ok now tho. Hubby has been ok i guess. it feels good to have my computer back. the only reason i even went on myspace was to check tonys page because he would update whats going on in his life and it made me still feel a part of it i guess. I dont know. but he didnt know i have a page on there because i use a fake name. but anyway, im done with all that from here on out.

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i havent been on here because my computer has been in the shop getting a virus removed. i got it from being on myspace. Its called a russian trojan. it cost me $100 to get it fixed and my sisters computer got it also. I dont have time to write more now but will later. Just be careful of myspace and facebook. They said that is were the virus is really bad right now. i even had virus protection but it wasnt good enough i guess.

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last night, my husband was frustrated. He get angry because his mom has him do all of the work on her car and dont even ask him to do it, just tells him he will do it and brings the car and he goes and does it. on friday, she called and said they needed brakes and would be here sunday. well, when he got done he was supposed to take me for icecream. that didnt happen. it was more than brakes and i ended up having to fix supper for them and his brother and his nutty gf and his daughter that i watch closely since last time she was here she watched zack undressing. she is a brat. so it was a great evening..NOT. i dont mind his mom, but we had plans and curt wont speak up. then, after they left, he starts whining about how he is sick of it and is getting depressed and would rather kill himself than put up with his mom anymore. He says he hates her. Says she was never there for him growing up. She was always out partying and he was always at his grandmas house. She never has worked and has always been on welfare, so he grew up without ever having christmas gifts or birthday or anything. He was always dirt poor. He resents her alot for not giving him a better life. His dad, they divorced when he was 11, always beat him. He has a better relationship with him now than he does his mom though. so last night he went on and on about how we have to move away from his family or he will commit suicide cause he cant take it anymore. He knows my parents are very ill and wont live much longer and so i wont move away from them til after they pass. After that , we have talked about moving to tennessee. i would go now if it werent for my parents, plus i am a little scared to move where i dont know anyone with the way he treats me. i would have nowhere to go if i had to leave in a hurry. i dont know what to do. i dont want to sound cruel, but when he said he wanted to die, i felt nothing. I didnt try to console him or anything, cause thats how he treats me. he dont hold me or try to help when i am going thru hard stuff. All this going on with tony and he dont have any compassion for me at all. so what goes around comes around. so, as always...sux to be me.

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here is my problem with christians. I, as you know, am a christian. or i try to be. I do my best and i dont claim to be perfect. If im having a bad day, i really dont talk to anyone at church unlesst they talk to me first, because im not in the mood and i dont want to be fake. so i just mind my own business, and try to ask God to help me thru it. Ok, so today on the way to church, my husband yelled at me the whole way there. Just stupid stuff. i was so upset by the time we got there i didnt even want to get out of the car. So we go in and people are talking to curt and he is smiling and praising God and the church and everyone there thinks that he is great. it makes me sick. But it also makes me wonder how many other fakes there are there. I try not to focus on that because i am the only one responsible for me and all the fakes are responsible for themselves. but it still makes me wonder. im not judging them or my husband for it but i wish they could see him for what he really is. He is a great actor. The good thing is that by the time i got out of church, i was really glad to be there and i felt better. I havent talked to my husband tho. He has tried to kiss up to me and be really nice, but i have to simmer a little and then get over it. He even wants to go back to town later for icecream at my fave dairy bar. i will go but only because they just opened for the season and i havent had their icecream for a few months. but as always it still...sux to be me!!

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