Thursday 4:00a.m..

Finished work early and sent the other guy home so I could have some time alone to make one more entry before I leave work.

When ever I go out the back door of the warehouse I can see the house I use to share with Heather, It's litteraly right next door. I look in the back yard and half expect to see timber running around or standing on the porch waiting to be let in. I look through the kitchen window and expect to see Heather cooking or what ever. I look in the driveway and wish I would see her truck parked there. Last week and the week before, while I was staying here at the warehouse, I would go outback 100 times a day just to stare at the yard and the house. Remembering the times we would be out back playing ball with the dog, or me cutting the grass, or just sitting on the little deck talking with Heather. I miss spending time with her so much. I just can't stop from looking over at the house and wishing with all my heart that we were still there, still together. I wasn't to keen on the house it's self, it was the fact that it was where Heather was, where me and Heather were. For the first time in my life I actually felt like I had a home. A place I was happy to come back to at the end of the day, a place where the woman I love would be.

I understand why Heather moved so far away now. It must be a thousand times easyer for her to forget about me. Still being in the area I constantly see and go places that remind me so much of her, of us. It's like little echo's of us and what I thought we had. I constantly see little reflections of our relationship everywhere I look. Everything is a reminder of what my life use to be with her.

I still don't understand why she has so compleetly turned her back on me, on us. I can't figure out why she never even gave me a chance to make things ........ right. She says she loves me, yet she won't even try. I know things were ruff, money was tight because I wasn't working full time. I didn't tell her that I loved her because she was married, and I always thought I would never want kids and she knew I felt that way. But the work situation wouldn't always be so bad, especialy once I got my truck back on the road. I believed she was working at getting a divorce so we could take our relationship to the next level, and as far as having kids, well she never realy talked about it to tell me how important it was to her. Besides how could we even think about that while she was married to another man. She KNEW how I felt about that. That, that was the reason I wouldn't tell her I loved her. I felt we couldn't take our relationship to the next level untill she was divorced, and she knew that. If she had talked to me about these things she would have known that I wanted all those things with her. Hell, the last time we saw each other she told me she might be pregnant. She asked me if I would want to be in our childs life and I said OF COURSE I DO. Finally two and a half weeks later when she told me she wasn't pregnant, deep down inside, I was actually quite dissapointed. It would have been hard for sure, but I would have done anything I had to, in order to provide for her and our child.

All I wanted was to share my life with her. To work at making things better for us. To give her everything she needed and wanted. To build a better life with her. To share a life together. Before Heather I never thought I would want any of that with anyone, and she changed all that. And now here I am, still filled with all those desire's but knowing I will never have that with her.

I have to end this here before I go crazy and just cut my wrists right here and now. All these emotions are just to much for me.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

Jaims

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Thursday march 11 12:05a.m..

Thank god yesterday has finally ended. It was in fact the worst birthday I have ever experienced. I was hopeing beyond hope all day long that maybe, just maybe, I might hear from Heather. She has so totaly forgotten about me or she cares so little she couldn't even at least send me a short e-mail for my birthday. I wonder if she will remember what the 15th of this month would have been for us, our 2 year anniversary. Then the 18th will be another bad day for me because it will be her birthday and I want to send her something but am so afraid she doesen't want to hear from me at all.

I just wish my birthday wish would have actually come true. If it had I would be hours dead and cold allready. All day I have been reading up on an interesting way to do myself in, a little more research on the subject and I think I'll be ready to try. But I still need to work myself up for it. It's getting closer and closer to becoming a reality though, hopefully it won't be to long before I find the balls to do it.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

Jaims

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Wednesday 5:45a.m..

....LOW....

FOREVER N ALWAYS

Thomas

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Monday 2:00a.m..

Again I just need to say how much I MISS YOU.

I love you

FOREVER N ALWAYS

Thomas

Damn that feels wierd singing thomas

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Sunday 10:15p.m..

One more entrie while I still have acces to a computer.

I've been staying in the warehouse at work for a while now because we haven't had any work for the last two weeks. But tomorrow we go back into production full bore. Finally some orders to fill came in and things are picking up. I'm glad we will be going back to work full time for a couple of reasons. One I realy need the money at this point. Two I'm hopeing it will keep my mind busy with something other than thoughts of Heather, if that's even possable. My only concern is the possability that those same thought's might distract me from my work and cause me to make mistakes. Wich in my line of work can be very very costly. The only thing that sucks about going back to work is the fact that I won't be able to stay at the warehouse any longer. I'll be leaveing early in the morning before anybody gets here. I guess it's back to living in my truck once again.

It will be good for me, I think, to get back to some kind of regular schedule. Working everyday may help to get me back into a routeen that's a little more healthy for me. For the past couple weeks now I've been turning back into the old me that I hate so much. I don't sleep worth a shit anymore, not that I ever did, but it's getting worse once again. I sleep maybe an hour here or two hours there. Never at the same time of day, it always varies through out the night and day. I never slept that well but when me and Heather were together I tried to go to sleep, or at least lay in bed, every night. I did sleep better, when I actually slept, with her by my side. Now I hate the thought of even trying to lay down and rest. I fear that being back in my truck is just gonna make the whole situation worse. It's cramped, I have to sleep sitting up, and it's still quite cold. The other problem is the fact that I work at night so now I'll have to find a place to park during the daylight hours. Every place I have found to park I end up getting asked to leave, even the one state park where they were letting me stay during the night won't let me stay during the day.

Another old habbit that I've fallen back into is not eating. And like the entry before this one said, when I do eat I'm back to eating only McDonalds. Between the lack of sleep and the lack of food I've once again fallen back into that semi trance like state of being. All I am doing at this point is existing. I have lost the ambition and the drive that I worked so long and hard to gain. My confidence is non-existant, and my outlook on life has gone to shit again. I have always suffered from depression but lately it's had such a hold on me it's unreal. I have no idea what has kept me from ending it all. The only thing I think it could be is Heather. The hope that one day soon she will once again contact me.

I realy hate feeling like this, the way I felt for so many years. The sinical attitude, the hatred for life, the antisocial behavior. The isolation and the boredom. The lack of will or hope. I just don't see the point in being alive any longer. Heather was my entire life and now she has turned her back on me. Without her I just don't see any reason to continue going. I'm so afraid of what's happening, feeling the old me returning. Once again falling back into my old habbits. Everything that I thought I had left behind, everything I was so glad to get away from.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

I need you more than you will ever know.

Thomas

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Sunday 3:00p.m..

Before I met Heather I had the worst eating habbits in the world. I would only eat once every couple of days, and then it was just a simple McDonalds meal. I lived on Micy D's for years. I just never had any desire to eat. I was gaunt looking at best and weighed in around 125-130lbs. Then when I met heather I started going to restraunts, well dinners, once in a while. We had chineese food occasionaly as well. Then she started cooking for me once in a while too.

Once we moved in together that all changed. She would cook for me every night. She always made sure there was something for me for lunch, and she also made sure there was something for breakfast. She was an awesome cook. She never actually made a meal I didn't like, it was great. She would always make me these sausage biskets for breakfast, grilled cheese was another regular meal, and when she started cooking me london broil I was in heaven. The meals were always well ballanced with meat, veggies, bread or rolls, things like that. And the best of all was the stew. She would make it just the way I liked it, supper thick and full of meat and potato's. I started to put on weight and was hovering right around 145-150. I felt great, and according to some of my friends, looked alot healthyer. I loved it when we would set up the tv trays and eat diner while watching tv. We were spending time together and I looked forward to it all the time. I always made sure to tell her how good everything was because I realy appreciated the effort she put into it.

Now since Heather has left I have reverted back to my old habbits. I haven't had anything except Micy D's. I was eating almost every day at first, but now I'm lucky if I eat once every three to four days. I just don't have any appetite. Plus the fact that I have been making myself sick over her leaving isn't helping. At first I was throwing up five, six, even seven times a day. I would get so upset that I couldn't stop myself from being nautious and eventualy I would just throw up. It's a little better now but I still have days were I get sick three or four times in a row. For the past two months I have been so upset it's a wonder I don't have an ulcer yet. My stomache is always gurgeling and rumbleing, and even when I do eat, it just makes it worse. I'm down to 128lbs now and seem to have leveled off there. I just can't stop worrying about her, it's constant. I just wish I would hear from her.

All this talk about food and Heather is once again making me feel sick so I'll end it here. I just want to say thank you to her for all the times she did cook for me. And I want her to know how much I miss her.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

I am nothing without you.

Thomas

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Saturday like 9:something p.m..

I'm so fucking drunk I can barely focus on the screen to see what I'm writeing......... and still I can't stop thinking of you. I miss you.

Erlose ihn von dieser schmach

Und schrei ihm nach

Spring

Spring

Erlose dich

Spring

Enttausch mich nicht

Spring

Entausch mich nicht

I redeem him from this shame

and I scream to him

Jump

Jump

Redeem yourself

Jump

Don't disapoint me

Jump

Jump for me

Jump

Don't disapoint me

FOREVER N ALWAYS

I just can't stop myself....

thomas

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Saturday 6:30p.m..

What did I do to deserve to be punished like this? One day you tell me that you still love me and want to see me the next day you turn your back on me. The last time I spoke to you was that Monday you came to see me. You tell me you might be pregnant and then that's the last I hear from you. You can't even respond to my e-mails? You could at the very least e-mail me an answer to wether or not you are pregnant. I worry about you night and day. I wish you would just talk to me and let me know your ok. You could always send me an e-mail and tell me not to reply and I won't. I just worry about you that's all.

I miss you so much, all I can do is hope your ok.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

Thomas

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Friday 8:30p.m..

Father forgive me for I know not what I do

I tried everything but I'll leave it up to you

I don't wanna live, I don't know why

I don't have no reasons, I just want to die

I'm a suicidal failure, I've gotta get some help

I have suicidal tendencies but I can't kill myself

I'm tired of this way of life, my patience has expired

I'm barely just 42 but my life I will retire

I went down to a rifle store, I bought myself a gun

I pointed it at my head but I couldn't get the job done

I took all my mothers sleeping pills

I jumped off a freeway bridge

I drank three kinds of poison

And drove my car off a ridge

I beat myself with a bat

Put a noose around my head

I overdosed on heroin

But I'm still not dead

Death may not be the answer

It can't be all that great

But me I'm not into living

With life I can't relate

By some masochistic reasoning I think it will be fun

I want to start my second life now

So shoot me with your gun

I'm a suicidal failure, I gotta get some help

I have suicidal tendencies, but I can't kill myself

FOREVER N ALWAYS

I'm always thinking of you.....

Thomas

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Thursday 11:00p.m..

Where are you now that I realy need a friend. A friend I can talk to about anything, a friend who understands. A best friend like I thought I had in you.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

jaims

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Tuesday 12:30a.m..

You threw away the only thing I wanted ........

The love you had for me

FOREVER N ALWAYS

samoht

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Monday 8:00a.m..

The start of another long day of missing you.

FOREVER N ALWAYS

thomas

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Sunday 3:00p.m..

I don't know what to write today except that I feel a vast all consumming emptyness inside. I feel nothing except EMPTY.

ALWAYS N FOREVER

forever and always on my mind....

thomas

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