Okay, I have not updated this in a while! I guess I've been kinda busy and I've been throwing myself into imaginative writing, but i guess now it's time to face real life. So, what's been happening to crazy young me recently?

First of all, I was at a Disturbed gig and it was WOW! David Draiman came out in the straight jacket and the mask and everything! Then the drummer did this fucking awesome solo and OMG! it was the best gig yet! ;) For a few blessed hours, I could feel this buzz of life at my fingertips, I could feel my heart hammering against my chest and I could hear myself screamnig until my throat was fucked...I was alive for once. It was great just to be able to fucking go crazy and jump abouy and SCREAM! my heart out, you know? GOD I <3 MUSIC!

Then came a slightly positive (Pfft!) experience. Well, I thought it was gonna be. It was my week of work experience and I was going back to my primary school and I had a week off school to do it and I was excited. Well. I had fun through the week and I thought that I did well. The kids adored me. I got to know all them. I saw what was required in the job...I would never be a class assistant or teacher but it was a fun week.

Until I got the employers report back...

They said I had "Oral Communication Concerns". I was like WTF? I can speak quite well thank-you very much! But apparently I ignored all the staff when I spoke to most of my old teachers at least once and had a good old catch-up with them. I got to know the classroom assistant that I was assigned too and yeah, I am a little shy but come on - they said I didn't even look at people. Aargh. It pisses me off so much. They just totally wrote a lod of bull on it and it was bull. I will admit I am a bit quiet but I don't have problems with talking. The teacher I got was the one with problems. She would actually just twitch at me and walk away. I am not going to start a conversation with her in the fear that she might die! I did speak to her a few times and to be honest, she never gave me one thing to do all that week and then they said that I didn't use my initative? I would be left to my own devices all bloody day and I got up and helped the kids with their work without being asked?

I was really PISSED at that one. They said all that shit and they can't possibly justify any of it? So much for school spirit, eh? Turning against one of their students. They also said I'd never make anything of myself! I fucking went psycho at that and carved a cross into my leg to label the rejection, so when I'm succesful and rich, I shall look back and smile. Oh and I will be naming and shaming!

What really made me laugh is they have just pissed off a future JOURNALIST! Hello, idiots? I will have power of the media and they will be sorry they ever said that!

Then, I still haven't found Chino. I was trying to just keep on focusing on school and shit but then, I just fell to the ground one night and cried like I'd never cried before. I despise crying. Maybe that's why I like self-harming but I just lost it that night and I've been ill ever since. I've lost my appetite and my ana voice is kicking in, even though I am not intentionally starving myself, I fear that once again it'll take control and I'll fall into old habits.

Plus, it's my birthday on Tuesday. I'll be fifteen and yet, I'd rather be dead to be honest. I don't want to celebrate anything and I feel like I'm dreading it. I haven't mentioned it to anyone in school so they'll forget and I can just have a normal, depressing, fucked-up day.

Peace out x

Not really in the :) mood today.

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