Davie really does make me smile. We have been sitting online for a little while now and we are speaking about building a tent. Yeah really. Not like a tent you go camping in but the kind that you used to make when you were little out of bed sheets and duvets. Im sure everyone has done it. Well we started speaking about how cool that was and its just turned into this huge convo which is rather interesting, one day we are gonna built a little tent, just for the fun of it! .. I still like him, but he's my friend, im thankful i have him cause he makes everything seem better so right now, i will keep him as a friend and for however long he wants me but im not gonna pretend that i dont like him. That would be silly of me, im sure he prefers me just being me than holding back from him so things can keep going how they are, im fine with it. I really do think i've found a brilliant friend in his, his bluntness, honesty, right to the point attitude is something that everyone should have in there life. Its nice to have that one person who doesnt beat about the bush and just says it how it is. He also has a softer side, i can tell him things, ask for advice and open up about things and he doesnt judge me. All in all, he is a good one. A very good one!!

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Well yesterday didnt start out the best of days but it ended up a good one. Went to work, after that i went for a meal and then to the cinema to see "Alice in Wonderland" and my god was that awsome. I loved Johnny Depp in it. Anyways, back to the point, today i am in a very good mood and there is a few reasons why but i'll go into them another time cause i should actually be leaving for work now but i had to come on and say, Im happy! =]

Miss Bee x

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Well its Monday, officially the worste day ever but its Davie's birthday today. Sent him a card with a little something in it from me and he still hasnt recieved it yet which im bummed about because it probably more than likely means some smelly tramp from the post office had scooped it and are now out using my money lol.. I said i would give it till tomorrow and if its not there then we know its been stolen. Never send anything through Royal Mail, they really do suck! I really wanted him to have it in time aswell.. Boo to me!

I cannot for the love of me be bothered with work today but i need to go in, im not sick enough to stay off. I still have this stupid cough! It woke me up at 6am this morning and i didnt get back to sleep till 8 so all in all i got a lousy 5 hours sleep, maybe not even that! .. Last night i went to my friend Jonnys. Not spent time with him in ages and his granny died 2 days ago so i knew he needed the company. Was nice, we just sat about watching movies and eating biscuits. The funeral is on Wednesday so i have that before work. Im only going cause i knew his gran pretty well, she was an excellent woman. Also, im sure he can use the support. When it was my nana's funeral alot of our friends turned up and it was nice to know they all cared so a few of the people that used to be friends are all getting together, for Jonnys sake!

Im supposed to be going to the cinema tonight to see Alice in Wonderland cause it looks pretty amazing. We will see if that happens though!

Im still smitten, its all the same in that department, nothing new to update on. Im sure if there was you would have heard about it before now. Althought, i was thinking. Maybe im not giving people a chance, cause i have my sights set it means that everyone else kinda gets brushed off. I dont know why, maybe im doing it cause i know if i got someone else they wouldnt be my first choice, they would really only be a substitute! Arrghh i dont know...

Untill next time, take care...

Miss Bee x

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I've came to a conclusion. Its pointless trying not to like him cause its not gonna work. I try thinking about him less, texting him less, staying online for shorter amounts of times but still it doesnt matter. I dont even know why im trying to not like him thats whats so confusing. Whats making me think that i shouldnt like him? Maybe its just cause i know he is my friend and i dont wanna confuse things but im not stupid, i know we are friends and only friends! .. Its always the same. I either like someone who is no good for me and just a complete dick or i like someone i cant have. When is it gonna be my turn to just meet someone who likes me back, who i can have a laugh with, spend time with etc. Seems like everyone is finding it right now apart from me. Maybe im just supposed to be lonely. It is a question you need to ask yourself after so long of not havin any luck, am i supposed to be on my own? .. See even now im sitting thinkin about him! Waiting on him to text me, cause i text him but aint gonna text him again till he's answered me, dont wanna seem like im trying! lol

Its Sunday. I hate Sundays! Never anything to do. Its like half past 3 and im still in my pj's! Had a very very crappy sleep last night, with an awfull dream to go with it. Well i couldnt sleep after being in bed for over an hour so i decided to put a movie on so i watched " the boat that rocked" when that finished i kinda forced myself to sleep so it was like 7am this morning. Woke up again at 8.30 then went back to sleep only to have a dream that i was marrying Paul. I can still remember the feeling i had in the dream in my stomach, i was standing beside my sister telling her i couldnt do this, its not what i want etc.. I wonder what that was all about. Anyways, being in alone on a Sunday is giving me too much time to think! Arrrggghhh...

Miss Bee x

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Iv been trying to not spend so much time alone the past few days. I just feel like i dont wanna be alone, i have a couple of things playing on my mind and when im alone i have too much time to think about them. Its even harder not being able to just be honest about them when you should be. Anyways, yeah, yesterday i had a pretty busy day and today iv planned the same. Im just about to head into town to get Davies birthday present. Need to then go and mail it to him because i aint gonna see him before Monday and i want him to have it on time. Im working tonight too, after that im watching my nephew whilest my sister goes to the cinema. Busy busy..

Im still really confused with the whole "i like him" situation. It just doesnt seem to go away. When you think you know for sure that he doesnt want you shouldnt you just give up? Shouldnt it be easier? .. Well for me, No its not, its just the same as its always been cause nothing has really changed. Its always been like this, me liking him and him not returning it but its never bothered me before so why does it now? I think there is a few reasons behind it. Im getting to that age now where i think, im not up for all this fucking about stuff, i just want someone i want, who wants me back, who really does want me for who i am. Then i think i found someone who does like me, well i know he likes me, just not in the way i like him to and theres nothing i can do to change that. Aaargghh! I just dont have a clue what im supposed to do cause i know if i walk away and think "fuck it" i could end up regretting it, but if i dont walk away, how long am i supposed to hold on for? .. But let me say, I dont wanna give up. I know what i want!

Miss Bee x

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Im in a little bit of a strange mood today. Well no, not strange. I just feel like i need to talk about something and its hard for me to talk to the person about it. Im currently sitting on msn speaking to my best friend and i feel like my hearts about to explode telling her all the things that i cant tell him. Its even worse now that i really do kinda know i dont have a chance. I spend so long, since the day i first ever spoke to him, liking him! I still do, i cant actually stop. I wake up and i think of him, before i sleep he is the last person i speak to. During the day i think of him. Its like a never ending thought that just stays in my head and i feel like i should stop it, for his sake but its not as easy as that. It never is! I just dont know what im supposed to do?

Miss Bee x

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Im sure Paul sometimes forgets that this is my house. He is here because i allow him to be, where else would he go if he wasnt. Well maybe i shouldnt care about that anymore. This morning i go into the kitchen and there he is, he starts moaning about something or another. I cant even remember what cause it wasnt that important. Then he starts making personal digs about how i always lock myself up in my room bla bla, only one answer for that so i said it.. " I lock myself in my room cause your in the rest of the house and id prefer my own company than yours". .. Its simple. Me and him are never ever going to be a couple again, i just cannot see it at all. Its not been the same since August and theres just no turning back from this one, not that i would want too again. I cant make him go right now though, unless i give up my house. Being here for so long its not smething im willing to do yet unless i chose to move with my mum? I just cant answer all the questions at once so im working them out one by one and i'll discover what i should do! ... He was going on about how he could just move back to Liverpool, like he was trying to make me feel guilty. Yeah thats your answer to everything Paul, run back to mummy and daddy and they will sort all your problems! Well now i just dont give a shit, he can go if he wants to. I just need him here to make my life easier. Selfish i know but he knows that and as long as he is willing to live with it then its not my problem!

As Davie said to me once aswell, how the hell am i gonna be able to ever get a man living with my ex? Its just gonna be impossible. Right now though, thats the least of my worries. The one person i actually want doesnt want me back and more than likely never will. Its a bummer. I really do blame Walt Disney for my high expectation of men. Although, i do believe that i will get my fairy tale ending. Im just not about to give up on what i want so easy. Iv been interested in the one person for months now, walking away because you know they dont want you isnt the easiest thing to do, actually, im not sure i can just walk away!

Miss Bee x

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Im in a good mood today! Im up, showered, dressed, hair & makeup done and its only like half eleven. Early night i had last night did me the world of good. I slept right through like a baby and woke up this morning feeling fresh and ready to go. Im just going into town with Tiffany for the day before work for something to do. Now im feeling better i can manage to get out the house a little more often. It feels goood..

Oh wait, one thing i could update on. I need to sort out this living arrangement with Paul. I know if he goes i will struggle to live here on my own with the hours i do at work, then i'll buckle under the preasure and lose my house or something. I know if i ask him to leave right now he doesnt have anywhere to go! So, this living together thing is working out pretty well for both of us right now but i am currently looking for a better or another job so i can manage this place on my own! .. Me living with him probably doesnt look good to other people. Some wouldnt believe that living with him is all i do, but its true, as long as i know it then i really dont care what anyone else thinks! I just know i cant live with him forever. It drives me up the wall enough as it is never mind putting up with it for another good few months. Its been like this since August, it needs sorting. So job hunting it is for me then!

Miss Bee x

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I cant stop thinking about him! When im not speaking to him, i wish i was. When im lonely its him i want to cheer me up. When im sad, its his shoulder i wanna cry on.. No good when he doesnt want me back though. Life really is a bitch isnt it!

Sometimes i feel like i need to watch what i say incase i put too much of myself out there and he doesnt like it. I dont see what difference it would make cause im pretty sure everything i say is stupid and fucks up a conversation anyways, not that i mean it cause i really dont, its just me, its who i am. Stupid Kylie who everyone can laugh at when she doesnt know something so obvious. Its getting to me now. Not the fact that im not the sharpest nail in the box. Just the fact that people dont get me, they dont understand this is who i am and its take it or leave it. I dont wanna be like this, i really dont but what the fuck can i do? .. People have a way of making me feel so god damn stupid and theres nothing i can do to fix it, my only solution is shut the hell up and stop talking, period!

Everything has been brilliant, the past week all i really can complain about was my health. Today i am feeling a million times better but its just the feeling that im so unappreciated from everyone. Everyone that knows me. I go outta my way to make people happy, the ones i know truelly deserve it. I'd do anything for my friends, make sure they are always happy but i feel that in order for me to get that in return i need to ask, im not asking, i shouldnt have to ask people! I wanna feel wanted, its not that much to ask for!

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